


These Stilled Constraints

by calleigh_j



Series: Walk Unafraid [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 09:48:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8974798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calleigh_j/pseuds/calleigh_j
Summary: At times like this, she wants more than anything just to tell them. She wants to stand up and announce it to the world.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Archived from LJ; originally posted for the lgbt_fest in 2009 (Prompt 11 - Any fandom, any character, A character wrestles with their desire to live freely as an LGBT person and their reluctance to "come out" to their own family, thinking that it isn't their business, 23rd April 2009); original notes can be found there
> 
> Title from REM's 'Walk Unafraid'; first line comes from episode 2.16 'Fear And Loathing'.
> 
> I own no-one and nothing

"...and then I say something so geeky and then he doesn't respond..."  
  
It slips from her mouth as if it's completely natural, and it almost is. The lie is ingrained in her so deeply by now that she can't imagine telling anyone the truth. She repeats the conversations in her head and says what she always means to say, what she always wants to say.  
  
"...and then _she_ doesn't respond..."  
  
It's one word, one letter even and it makes all the difference.   
  
She wants to be honest with people. Her childhood memories are so filled with lies and distrust that she hates the idea that, despite trying to keep as far away from her parents' world as possible, still she's ended up continuing their cycle of dishonesty. It's not out of fear: she imagines telling her colleagues at the BAU and she can't imagine any of them having a problem with it. Yet still something keeps her from saying anything because as much as she wants to be honest, she doesn't truly see why they need to know. She keeps her personal life and her professional life separate as far as she can - unless, apparently, her mouth runs away with her and she ends up talking to Morgan. Around DC, there's a community of lesbians and gay men who go to the more discreet gay venues in the city, but who are almost completely closeted at work. Emily's lived that life since she joined the FBI and it's never felt odd until now, until the BAU, until this 'family' that's so much closer to her than her flesh and blood relatives.  
  
***  
  
She'd almost told her mother once. After much persuasion, Emily had finally agreed to spend a weekend at an expensive spa resort with her mother.  
  
"Emily, I haven't seen you in months," Elizabeth had said, piling on the guilt.   
  
Emily felt she should have been immune to her mother's guilt trips given the number of times she'd been subjected to them and her general reluctance to do anything her parents wanted her to - some hopeless remnant of her teenage rebellion. However, Elizabeth was as persistent as Emily was stubborn and despite all their differences and the problems in their relationship, some small part of Emily still wanted to make her mother happy and this part was responsible for her inevitable giving in.  
  
The weekend had, surprisingly, not been entirely horrible. Mutual avoidance of topics such as politics and Emily's job meant that conversation flowed a lot easier than it usually did, and the relaxed atmosphere of the spa had done its job and destressed the two women. On their final evening there, they had been having dinner at the resort restaurant and as their waiter left the table with their order, Elizabeth had commented that Jessica, the daughter of one of her ambassador friends, was getting divorced.  
  
"What happened?" Emily had asked.  
  
"Her husband was, I believe, having an affair with a colleague," Elizabeth had replied, taking a sip of her wine.  
  
Emily had sympathised and asked how Jessica, whom she remembered vaguely from a function a few months previously, was doing.  
  
"It's such a shame," Elizabeth had commented, "And it's so hard on the children."  
  
Again, Emily had made sympathetic noises and wondered when her mother would bring up the subject of grandchildren. However, Elizabeth's next comment had surprised her.  
  
"Your father had an affair once."  
  
Emily had choked on her water and spent a few moments coughing before she was able to breathe properly again.  
  
"I'm sorry?" she had asked, incredulous.  
  
"Darling, please keep your voice down."  
  
"Mother," Emily had retorted, "You just told me my father had an affair. You can't possibly expect me to keep my voice down."  
  
The waiter had returned then with their starters and, to Emily's amazement, her mother started eating her salad.  
  
"Mother," Emily had said again, "What happened?"  
  
"He had an affair with the wife of a colleague," Elizabeth had replied as she were informing someone about the weather or giving them the time, "I found out, and he broke it off."  
  
Elizabeth had gone on eating her salad, leaving Emily staring in amazement at her.  
  
"Emily, eat your soup or it'll get cold."  
  
"I'm sorry," Emily had said quietly.  
  
"These things happen," her mother had replied, so matter of fact about the whole thing that Emily felt like she was in the Twilight Zone.  
  
Emily had watched her mother for a few minutes more until Elizabeth had lifted her head and asked, "Emily, dear, what's wrong?"  
  
That had been the moment right there, the first time Emily had ever felt like she might actually be able to tell her mother she was a lesbian and get a reaction she could cope with. Then someone across the restaurant had dropped a glass, shattering it against the floorboards, and the moment had gone.  
  
***  
  
She's sitting in a bar with the team on a Friday night and Morgan and Garcia are trying to pick out a girl for Reid. They've narrowed it down to three and are asking Hotch and Rossi for opinions. Hotch declines to answer and Emily and JJ share a smirk over his look of discomfort: Rossi joins in. Emily wants to offer her own opinion - the redhead is clearly the cutest of the three - but bites her tongue.   
  
At times like this, she wants more than anything just to tell them. She wants to stand up and announce it to the world.  
  
"I'm a lesbian. I'm gay. I like women."  
  
In her head, she lists the ways she could say it, as clear as possible so that no one could misunderstand her. And then she stops and she wonders, for maybe the thousandth time, why she needs to tell them. It's private, no one's business but her own. She remembers her old Women's Studies professor and the mantra repeated every lecture: the personal is political. In everything else, Emily has lived by that: stood up for her views, fought for the things she believes in.   
  
"Emily?"  
  
She becomes aware of JJ saying her name and blinks a few times.  
  
"What? I'm sorry? Did you say something?"  
  
"I asked if you were okay," JJ says, "You looked like you were a million miles away."  
  
"Yeah, I kind of was," Emily replies.   
  
"Anywhere nice?" Garcia asks.  
  
The whole team is looking at her now, interested and a little concerned. This is it: this is the moment.


End file.
